February was a rough month. Like woah. I did not think it was possible to fit that many misfortunes and stressful situations into a lousy 4 weeks. Before I go into detail and pour my thoughts out onto the page (read: complain and contemplate my life), let me say that everyone is alive and mostly healthy and I recognize that things could be worse, far worse. But the sh*t-train that hit the station full speed on February 4th and continued blasting it’s horn through March 2nd has seriously overstayed it’s welcome. I’d like to think that I am now entering a stage of letting go and moving forward but I’m still reeling a bit from all of the noise of the last month.
On a gorgeous sunny early-February day, my mom was out fishing with her significant other when a misstep lead to a (later confirmed by doctor) broken fibula. She has been in a cast for four weeks and tomorrow we are supposed to find out the progress of her healing and whether she will be sporting another neon looking cast or can graduate to a weigh-bearing boot. Prayers and fairy dust and crossed fingers would be much appreciated. That same week, I began a rather rigorous (albeit exciting!) schedule at my new parent educator position, which brought it’s own expected levels of stress and pressure but was worsened by the fact that my mom was now incapacitated when it came to childcare. Okay, deep breath, we will figure this out, I said. And for a few days we did.
The universe then decided that we hadn’t quite had enough adventures for one week, so Alice face planted into the floor breaking her front upper teeth on a frosty but seemingly fun Thursday night. Oh boy. Or, more accurately, Oh girl. Screaming, blood, and possibly disproportionate mom worry ensued. She is alright, her teeth are stable and, for the time being, do not require interventions. She is not even more gap-toothed than before but I have calmed down enough in the weeks since to find that quite adorable.
Luckily that was it for bodily injuries; however, the following morning as we dashed out to the pediatric dentist, I discovered that the seemingly benign little rock that flew into my windshield the night before turned out to have a completely malevolent spirit and left a large, curved crack in my otherwise wonderful car. Not the end of the world for certain, but a financial burden that was not planned for. (I still am sporting this fancy crack – should have the glass replaced next week). And just as a cherry on top of the cake that was week ONE of February, my phone crapped out on me requiring the purchase of a new one. All of the above went down in the span of 6 days. By the dawn of day 7, I felt winded and completely exhausted.
The stress of that first week and the many unknowns we encounter when we experience changes in our lives, whether good or bad, unsurprisingly pushed my anxiety through the roof and my apprehension of panic sat on my shoulders like dead weight. For those that know of my struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, it isn’t necessary to describe just how heavily it weighs on my mind and heart. For those who do not, I am certain the topic will come up in the near future right here on my blog. What I can say with certainty is that the roller-coaster of emotions and intrusive thoughts has been on a downward spiral over the last weeks and it has taken medication, breathing, escape, and denial, and the incredible support of my family and friends, to allow me to keep functioning as close to normal as possible. Panic is my arch-nemesis, and last month, the bitch definitely won on more than one occasion.
But there is not rest for the weary. I am not sharing the misadventures to illicit pity or to excuse my complete lack of dedication to my blog over the last month, (more on that in a minute). Rather, for anyone who like me may be feeling overwhelmed by life at the moment, I’d like to share what I plan to do about it. I feel dizzy and suffocated and exhausted, as if I keep treading water and bopping up and down, back and forth, in that in-between space just below the surface and just above. I feel like I have not taken a truly deep breath in months and frankly I am done feeling all of the above. It has taken 19 years for anxiety and panic to settle far-too-comfortably in my head, to permeate every aspect of my life, and unfortunately I will not be able to evict them over night. But baby steps, that I can do. I can take baby steps, toward breathing a little easier, toward floating on the water, rather than kicking and pushing and getting nowhere.
For starters, I am on day three of a major de-clutter-spring-cleaning-spree. I have read numerous self-self blogs claiming that having a cluttered space can contribute to having a cluttered mind. While I am certain spring cleaning isn’t going to cure my anxiety, it certainly has me feeling productive, in control, and charitable, (as I am donating bags of mine and Alice’s gently used items). I am an emotional hoarder of sorts, often holding onto to things of all kinds simply because of where I got them or what was happening when I did. That sort of overbearing sentimentality often outweighs the fact that the said item has been sitting untouched in some far dark corner of some closet or drawer. And truly, on some deep level, I know that I shouldn’t be keeping it. It takes up otherwise valuable space, both physically and metaphysically. Thus, this clutter – be gone attitude.
I am also choosing to pay very particular attention to my parenting. Specifically, to having silly, fun moments with Alice every single day. When the going gets tough, the anxiety descends on my head and all I can think about is getting from point A to point B, I find that I have little energy left to expand on a tickle fest, or making silly faces, or having Alice “help” with folding laundry when I just want to get it done. We still have our fun, we still try out big things – our big February thing was Alice’s first ballet class!! However, the little every-day moments, the ones you don’t capture on camera, the ever-fleeting and seemingly too insignificant ones for an Instagram story, those seem to get lost in the vortex of emotions, health issues, and general struggles that accompanies anxiety and stress. So I am endeavoring to actively chose at least a few minutes every day that are just for us, for cuddles, or for “flying” or for reading a board book together, through which Alice flips far too quickly but then decides to start from the beginning again. I am choosing to indulge in her desires and whole-hearted silliness: at the moment, for example, she requested to put on her jelly sandals, right over her socks, on a very chilly March afternoon and she’s keeps stomping around in them because she loves the clickity-clack noise they give off against our hardwood floors. I have a million things on my to-do list that cannot even remotely compare to the goofy and excited smile on her face right this minute.
And finally, I am continuing to stick to my new year’s “resolution” – actively practicing gratitude. I felt immensely grateful when my mom’s doctor chose a cats over surgery for her injury. I was relived and grateful when Alice’s dentist said her broken teeth are still structurally sound and all we need is monitoring for now. I am acutely aware of some thought or out-loud utterance of gratitude every single day over the last month, even on days when I have had to heavily rely on meds and family and friends, (which often leave me with feelings of guilt and shame… a conversation for another time). Saying thank you, if only for surviving and for my family being safe and sound, has contributed to my ability to cope, to keep treading water, and to keep actively seeking relief and making positive changes in lieu of completely falling apart.
These are not cure-all options; these are not technically even “solutions” to chronic anxiety and panic, or major life events, or job-induced stress. But these are positive steps, these are coping mechanisms, these are a way of consciously taking action to improve my life and well-being, and focusing on everyday, actionable goals.
I feel compelled to also mention that quite a bit of good has also been happening: Alice continues to grow and learn by the minute, she has added some two dozen new vocabulary words to her repertoire over the last week. I have received positive and reassuring feedback at my new job, which I find incredibly encouraging. My family is mostly healthy and getting through daily life. I am back online with most social media (new phone is working out quite nicely) and I have taken some time to reflect on this blog: what direction I want to go in, some formatting changes, frequency and density of content, etc. I hope to bring some fun stories, creative projects, and much happier reflections to you all in the coming weeks and months. And on a more insignificant but still positive level, I have shed three pounds, which is certainly in tune with my fitness goals.
To everyone else who may have had a rough month – keep treading water, keep looking up, keep breathing. Find things that you CAN control, things you can accomplish on a daily basis and have courage to let go of whatever no longer benefits you: be it clutter in your closet, stack of old mail, toxic relationships, or unhealthy habits.
Much love and peace to you all.